Today was the day the my heart was broken to pieces. The writings were on the wall yet i chose to ignore them. I’m hurting so much yet i dont know where to turn or who to talk to.
Here’s my dilemma….
Someone told me a story about a couple. My friend noticed that this girl would post tons of photos of her BF with her in all her social media. Yet, the guy seems to only post photos of himself or himself with celebrities, but seldom does he post pics of his girl. She said that this is a sign that the guy doesnt really love the girl, but the girl is totally in love with him.
I found that perception interesting…. and then i realize that it was also my situation. Hmmmm…. my girl would post alot of photos of herself and of other people. Yet when it comes to photos of me. Its very seldom. Almost rare. You could actually count it with both hands. actually for the entire 2016, you could count it in one hand. its 6 posts for the entire year. Thats 6 out of hundreds of posts on instagram. Even if we did so many things together. Korea, Bohol, Ilo ilo, New Years, Christmas, birthdays. So many milestones for us. She even asks me to take photos of us together. And out of the 6 posts, not a single one says “i love you”. She has as much or more posts about our pets than me. what the heck? Call me sensitive, but its almost like she is hiding me or is not proud of me. Then i checked my instagram…. i made only 39 posts for the entire year, and out of 39 posts 13 was about my girlfriend. 1/3 of my posts on instagram was about my girlfriend. hmmmm…..
So, why am i getting emo today at almost 3am. Well, it started last Sunday when my GF decided to hang out with her model friends after their work. I agreed and let her be. Although i was a bit apprehensive since these are the same girls that she kept secrets with against me. These are the same girls that she did stupid stuff with that i cannot mention on my blog. These are the girls that she belittled me in front of them. These are the same girls that are a bad influence on her. But i let her be. The problem is that instead of assuring me that she is ok and not doing any bullshit, she disappears for over 3 hours without a text or call to let me know she is ok. She said she will just go for dinner and its past 10pm. i got worried. She eventually calls me when she was already alone. although she didnt do anything stupid, i couldnt help but remember all the bullshit she did in the past year. So, when she got home, i told her how i felt and that i became suspicious and worried at the same time because i didnt know what happened. Then she mentioned that they were inviting to go to Baguio but since i felt bad, she decided not to go. So, everything was fine.
Then today, she told me she was going to baguio with her friends. I told her how i felt about it. i calmly expressed my feelings and my trauma because of what happened in the past. Instead of understanding me, she walks away. Then when i tried to talk to her about it, she turns her back on me. I asked her why she is mad. I am telling her how i feel about her going to baguio with those friends that i do not particularly trust. I told her that if i didnt want her to go i would say so immediately. Then she retorted, “i know that you dont want me to go, but i will still go with my friends, even if you dont want me to.” This crushed me to pieces. I was devastated. Imagine, i told her that i am not yet comfortable with her hanging out with those friends specially out of town, and instead of reassuring me, she insists that she will go and there is nothing i can do about it.
Damn!!!!! So, what should i do now? She basically chose her friends over me. What the fuck? She claims to love me forever and yet, when i express my sadness about her hanging out with those particular friends, she tells me she will still go with them even if she knows it will hurt me.
I am now at a loss. I dont know if i am just fooling myself. I dont know if she really loves me or am i just convenient. I made the choice to love this woman with all of my heart. I made the choice to trust her, as difficult as it is after all the lies and deceit. I made a choice to stay amidst all the emotional tantrums and outbursts. And now this….
I guess she made her choice already. Her friends are more important than me. Why am i still sticking around? Para na akong tanga. If you love someone, and they dont really love you back as much, do you stay? or do you go?
I need some divine interveniton to lead me to the right decision